All Action Movies Should Be Musicals

Dhoom2 was the second Bollywood (Indian) movie I've ever seen and...I loved it! I shouldn’t have. It’s everything I hate in movies. But I adored it! A week later, I still can’t get the songs out of my head! Or the face of the Supervillain! Just for fair warning, I will enumerate the bad before the good. But don’t get discouraged. When it was good, it was very, very good. And when it was bad, it was better.

The Bad:
The level of believability of the stunts is half a step above “Superman can fly because of the sun.”

The sneaky tricks that wouldn’t have fooled a 3-year-old. (Look! Look! The big shiny moving thing is right next to your foot!). And the Queen of Unnamed English-speaking Country wears drag queen eye makeup. And carries a ginormous crown on a train through the Indian desert.

Indian police get the OK to go to Brazil in order to catch an international thief?

The fact that they introduce 2 cool female characters (one on either side of the law) mostly as foils in order to show how much cooler the male characters are.

Even better, after they fail to catch the Supervillain on the first try, the cooler of the 2 female characters gets fed up and quits the case, and the movie! Quitter! However, she does let her colleagues stay with her ditzy twin sister (played by the same actress). We never do find out what happened to Miss Thang or why she was in the movie in the first place.

Actually, the huh?-ness of Miss Thang leads to several problems. One of the first scenes shows the hero at home with his pregnant wife. His friend mentions that many married men cheat on their pregnant wives (Yeesh! Downer!). Cue Miss Thang, college friend of the Hero, and source of sexual tension. But this leads to neither conflict nor plot points. The only thing it does lead to is a dance number, which doesn’t fit the tone of the rest of the movie. Furthermore, we don’t ever get to see Mrs. Hero again. The lady is at least 7 months pregnant—surely they could have flashed forward 2 months and shown the happy Hero family, just to give us a little closure. Or even a phone call and then Hero running for a plane. That would have been a nice bookend.

I didn’t think that the Sidekick was funny. Should’ve kept Miss Thang.

Thou shalt not refer to thyself in the third person. Juniper does not like that. Juniper thinks you sound like an idiot. Juniper says to shut up already! Oh, yeah, and you only have to tell us the meaning of your name once. Furthermore, don’t try to use the meaning of your name to prove anything. I mean, if you want to believe that I can withstand harsh winds and that I smell of Mediterranean spices, that’s OK, but I’m not going to force it down your throat.

The song “My Name is Ali” was best forgotten. Truly. I can’t say anything else about it because I’ve forgotten it.

2 ½ hours and they don’t have any time to show the blossoming romance? A clip montage does not count! Other than the fact that she’s hot and he’s supremely hot, why should we believe in them? A little characterization would have been nice, too. Most of these people have the depth of Flat Stanley.

The Hero doesn’t seem to care about the danger he’s placing one of his agents in. C’mon, slip the agent an “abort now” note, or something! Get the agent out of there!

The completely unmotivated “moral of the story.” Wait, why would he do that? Why would she do that? Why?

The Good:
Hrithik Roshan. Don’t know who this is? Good, more for me to drool over. A little overbuilt for my taste, and I’m not a fan of the waxed-and-oiled look, but still…wow! The eyes, the hair, the voice! And when he dances! Somebody get me a fan! Oh, you’re not into guys? That’s fine. There are plenty of babes in bikinis running around. The two female stars are Aishwarya Rai, Miss World 1994, and Bipasha Basu, winner of the Famous Ford Supermodel Contest in 1996.

The fact that Hrithik wears a sparkly green decorative scarf in the opening number. Hurray for India, where Mr. Too Sexy for My Shirt can wear decorative little green scarves (teehee) and dance like a snake (drool).

All action movies should be musicals. All. Always. Without exception. Think about it. Action movies are usually big, dumb fun that are all about looks over content. Musicals are usually big, dumb fun that are all about looks over content. Without each other, they are incomplete. However a few explosions, a little hip shaking—it’s like a rum and coke! Yummy.

I love the style of dancing in this movie. I call it…Being Sexy is Fun! Ever get tired of the stupid heavy-lidded, open-mouthed, pouty “sexy” stare models do all the time? Why is being sexy such a drag? Well how about a dance number with pretty ladies, sexy moves, sexy clothes…and skipping!

The pistol scene! I shouldn’t, but I loved that scene! I was on the edge of my seat, going “No, no! Everybody just chill!”

Trivia:
Hrithik has a second, vestigial thumb on his right hand. He’s the hottest three-thumbed man I’ve ever seen. I don’t know how they keep that hidden on the widescreen, but I never noticed it. However, I didn’t know until after the movie. Keep an eye out.